Parents and teachers of cognitively challenged students spend the majority of their program planning aimed at improving reading and math skills or creating goals to help with the ultimate transition to employment. But with all of this well-meaning focus on academic and work potential, they are missing the little elephant that starts sitting in on programming meetings around age 12, is getting bigger throughout high school and is a looming, larger than life (yet still ignored) elephant, by the time a student is transitioning to a job and some form of independence in their early 20's. 

What is this reality that, at best, makes parents and educators uncomfortable and, at worst, terrifies them? A cognitively disabled student's sexuality.

Any child's sexual development is something that can make adults squirm, but when a child has cognitive challenges, it can feel downright sticky. It is so much easier to focus on the intellectual age of the child's development than to get real about their physical age and the changes that come with that. 

Keeping your head in the sand and ignoring your child's sexual reality is like trying to hold back the ocean. It's coming whether you like it or not. Here are four reasons to consider sexual development the next time you sit down to plan your child's social and emotional goals.

1. Sexual Development Does Not Mirror Cognitive Development

From the moment of birth, the human body is constantly growing and evolving. The scientific road map that it follows is set into our DNA. The foundation of our sexuality starts in infancy. By puberty, which can occur any time between 8 and 14 years old, girls are getting their periods and both boys and girls are showing signs of physical sexual maturing.  

This age range is significant when dealing with a child with developmental delays because their body may be maturing at a faster rate than their cognitive development. For example, a 9 year old girl could be functioning at the level of a 3 year old but still be getting her period.

2. The World Is Moving Fast - And Your Child Is Moving With It

If your child spends any time with typically developing children, even just on the bus ride to school, they are being exposed to information that children were never exposed to a mere 15 years ago. The reality is that platforms like Instagram and Tik Tok are loaded with sexually explicit content that anybody has access to.  

If your child is allowed on social media, they are seeing it. If they don't have access, you can bet that someone in their class, at lunch, or on the bus has access and is talking about it. And here is the really uncomfortable part of all of that - as a child sexually matures, they are going to have a natural response (arousal) to those images or conversations, even if they do not fully understand what they are seeing.

3. Sexuality Is A Right That Your Child Deserves Just Like Anybody Else

Sexuality is a natural part of development that comes with the simple act of being human. Pretending it doesn't exist by ignoring it, is ignoring a piece of who your child is.  This is not to say that your child should or should not be in a position to act on those thoughts, feelings and urges. But helping them understand who they are and why things are happening to them is as important (some might argue even more important) to the transition planning process as is mastering decoding skills. 

Your child's sexual thoughts and desires will follow them wherever they go, just as they do for all other people. Trying to carve it out and keep it separate from school, work and family outings is impossible and will only lead to frustration for you and your child.

4. Understanding Sexual Behavior Will Help Keep Your Child Safe

Just as typically developing teens and young adults are taught to understand that "no means no," developmentally delayed children need to learn the same thing. No matter how cute parents and school staff may think a cognitively disabled child is as they move from grade to grade, none of that will protect them when outside of the safe cocoon in which they have grown up. 

Adolescents need to learn to be aware of their surroundings and to not do anything, sexually or otherwise, that makes them feel uncomfortable. By the same token, they need to understand that they cannot force themselves on someone else. 

Both of these scenarios are real and cannot be undone. Sexual assault is a real danger that no parent wants their child to endure. Likewise, if your child is accused of sexual assault, the police are not going to care about how funny or charming they are. They are not going to give them a free pass because your child doesn't understand boundaries.